Mood: Rage.
Trigger: Writing long blog post that accidentally gets deleted, and no autosave draft to fall back on.
Actions: Breathing exercise to combat rage.
Well since the last draft of this entry was deleted (thank you WordPress for not backing up the save), here I go again…
I was recently fired from my job for taking extended sick leave for my BPD. When I started this job I had not yet been diagnosed with BPD, as I had been misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety for the last 15+ years. I knew there was something ‘wrong’ with me, I just felt it. I couldn’t understand why I had these cycles of ‘bad luck’. I would spruce up my CV and get a new job, be filled with excitement and optimism about the future, aggressively try to work my way up the company ladder when the timing wasn’t appropriate, face some sort of disappointment at my new job, develop a bad relationship with my boss, take sick leave for my increasing anxiety levels, and then quit the job before I could worry about being fired. This time was no different, except I was naive and thought my boss would have some compassion for my situation. I was wrong.
Now I am unemployed. This is the worst thing for me. I have always considered myself an especially ambitious person – I know now that my strong urge to find my place in the world comes from my disorder, rather than my own wishes. Already I am trying to get back into my ‘bad luck’ cycle. My CV is online, I was contacted by a company that are interested in hiring me and I did a telephone interview. This is after I made the declaration to my partner that I’m going to take at least a year out of work to learn more about my disorder, and how to control it. I want to be the master of my disorder, and learn to handle my moods. I’m in group therapy with other BPD havers every week, I’ve bought the expensive BPD therapy workbooks that I haven’t touched, and I’m working on losing all of my medication side effect/impulse binge weight gain. I am sure this is the right path for me right now. I am in recovery, and I need to learn how to get better.
When I was first diagnosed with BPD I watched a YouTube video about a man’s experience with BPD. In the video he outlines the various symptoms, where BPD gets its name from, and what he’s done to get better. I cried when I watched that video. I realised that I had nearly all the symptoms he had. Towards the end of the video, the man explains that he has taken time away from work to write and recover. I knew right then that I wanted to do the same thing as him. So why take part in the telephone interview for a new job? Because BPD impulse, of course. Normally I am slow to respond to messages (much to the chagrin of my loved ones), but as soon as I saw the message from the recruiter inviting me to the interview I immediately said yes. BPD impulse. I did well in the interview – people say that people with BPD learn to fit in with their surroundings like chamelons, maybe that’s why. After the interview the BPD impulse Mania wore off and I was left feeling all the nasty Depression symptoms. I hadn’t touched drugs or alcohol in weeks before that moment (a personal victory), but that night I felt a strong impulse to self-medicate so that I could stop feeling so much. But I didn’t. I had a bath instead, which is one of my new coping mechanisms I have learnt from therapy.
After the bath therapy, and when I was sure there was no traces of Mania or Depression, I thought about what I wanted. I thought logically about what I wanted. I decided to stay on track with my previous plan of taking a year off for recovery. The company is due to call me back soon, but I want to politely tell them that I am not available for the job anymore, but would be interested in future. I feel a slight victory in all of this. I didn’t self-medicate, I dealt with my feelings in a safe and ‘normal’ way, and I took the time to figure out my own wants away from the BPD.
