Whenever I start a new project or take up a new hobby, the Mania side of my BPD kicks into overdrive. My mind races with all the exciting possibilities this hobby has to offer. I imagine taking part in this hobby for years to come. I imagine how I can fit this hobby into my every day life. This hobby will become my new exciting possibility. I dive into my new hobby, researching ways to be better at it, and purchasing a multitude of tools that I deem essential to take part in this hobby. As my new exciting purchases arrive in the post from last nights Mania infused shopping binge, my attention starts to waver.
I do something else, and make excuses. I’ll just play The Sims 4 for a while, and then I’ll go back to the hobby. Now I have to make lunch, and I don’t want to get fixated in my hobby and forget to eat. Now Fiance will be home soon, and there’s no point getting started with my hobby when his arrival with distract me. Fiance will ask if I’ve taken part in my hobby, and I’ll make more excuses. Eventually he’ll stop asking, I’ll stop making excuses, and the hobby (along with the pile of expensive tools that were once new and exciting, and now look bland and uninteresting) will be neglected. The hobby will be forgotten, and I’ll go back to my life without it.
I have practised this routine with multiple hobbies, most recently knitting. I hate myself enough for doing this, but the situation is made worse when Fiance tells people about my new hobbies. Fiance’s mother gifted me an expensive knitting set for Christmas, and will now expect me to swan over to her house wearing an intricately knitted scarf using the materials she bought me. The shame and self-loathing is awful. I bring up the topic of hobbies because I have just started this blog. The cycle has started again, and I became excited and hopeful that I will be an avid blog writer that writes regular, meaningful blogs, and attracts a multitude of fans. Maybe if I think about writing this blog as a form of therapy rather than a hobby, I will have more success in writing regularly.
