Mood: Anxious.
Trigger: Thinking about seeing Fiance’s mother later, who has asked us in the past *when* are we going to have children.
Actions: Journal all the bad thoughts and feelings, and listen to uplifting music.
I have a complicated relationship with the subject of children. I have a First Class degree in childhood studies, I worked in nurseries during college as part of my course, and I helped my single mother raise my younger sister. In the early years of my life I always wanted children. The idea of having a family made up of parts of you has always been fascinating to me. But as the years went by and I saw the reality of what raising a child looked like by watching my single mother struggle with my sister, it made me reevaluate my wishes.
Struggling to assemble prams in busy shopping centres, the constant getting up to stop the child from touching this or that, the baby proofing of the house, the carefully cooked and pureed meals, the list goes on. It’s just too much work to be honest. My mother dedicated every single minute of her daily life to keeping this child alive and well developed. What’s worse is that she had already done this with two other children, myself included. After seeing all the hard work and struggles, suddenly having children was not an appealing option for me anymore.
Cue a few years later and I am engaged to Fiance, and I now know more than ever that I do not want children of my own. What really sealed the deal is when I was given my diagnosis of BPD. After the doctor delivered the news I immediately rushed to the nearest bathroom and Googled everything to do with BPD. I was horrified to learn that there is a genetic component to BPD, and the research indicated that those affected with BPD would have it for life. The worst part was the Amazon search results (I had already exhausted the Google search at this point); one of the top results was a self-help book dedicated to children with BPD mothers. There is no way I could consciously put a child through all of this.
I am now at the point in my life where I am making the tough decisions. Fiance would love a child, and he would make an amazing father. But another issues with having a child is the effect it would have on my treatment. I take a combination of prescription drugs to help stabilise myself (so many that I must rattle when I walk), and most of these pills cannot be taken when you are pregnant. Fiance’s mother once suggested that I start coming off my medication now for when I have children. BPD temper flared up and I went from 0 to 100. I politely told her that I didn’t plan on having children, and I needed this medication to feel okay.
Today I am unemployed and my BPD ambitious drive is urging me to choose a purpose in life. I started thinking about children, and I imagined what life would be like raising a child. I imagined the midnight feedings, how the child would interact with the pups, the nearest school it would attend, and what my life would look like in between catering to the child’s every need. I just have to remind myself that this feeling is fleeting, and is not based on logic. I feel the urge to have children now at this point in my life because I am at rock bottom. I have nothing to give my life purpose right now, and my brain is desperately trying to find a solution to this problem. When I have found another purpose my desire for children will disappear, and I will find myself relived I didn’t take any impulsive actions. It’s good that I’m recognising this now, and I think reflecting on this really helped.
