Mood: Somehow calm, anxious & excited all at the same time.
Trigger: Email with potential job offer.
Actions: Had a shower to help, now lets blog all the feelings out.
I received an email today from the same company that tried to hire me a few months ago. They still have a position available for me, and with the Coronavirus scare it would be completely and remotely working from home (at least for the time being). I got excited, really excited. My mind whizzed and I felt excited. I should have done the Pause therapy my therapist told me to do when I feel a strong emotion. Just pause for 15 seconds and let your emotions catch up with you. But I didn’t, because I have BPD so I am impulsive and always looking to cement my role in the world. I emailed back saying I would be delighted to be considered for the job again. Shortly after the anxiety kicked in, and the excitement whooshed out of me. I felt scared and anxious and small again. And if that wasn’t good enough, we now get to look forward to feeling anxious for the next few days until the company emails back.
Why do I do this to myself?! I swear I must ask myself this questions at least a few times a week. I’m not going to get my hopes up, or let my expectations become too high – namely because I develop a perfect dream image of what this job will look like, and this illusion is quickly shattered when I find (what I deem to be) an unacceptable flaw in the job.
On another note, my medication has changed yet again. I’m coming off the Paroxetine, lowering the dose on my Mirtazapine, and adding Zoloft to the mix. The withdrawal symptoms have been uncomfortable – a bad belly, headaches, dizziness (feels like the room is spinning), and fatigue. But I’m riding this out. Once my medication routine has settled more I will be adding another new medication to the mix – an anti psychotic aimed at people who have Bipolar Disorder. I feel like BPD and BD share so many qualities, but we experience these symptoms at different times. For BPD we can go up hourly or daily, while BD causes moods to last for days and even weeks. Both disorders are as bad as each other, and I wish the two groups would band together more. I wonder if there is a charity for both BPD and BD, that would be a good idea.
