Mood: Apprehensive.
Trigger: Impulsively make plans to go to the gym with Fiance every Sunday.
Actions: Review my decision carefully, and see if I feel the same in the morning.
I hate exercise. I always have and I can’t ever see a version of me that enjoys putting my body through hell with any form of exercise. I would love to be one of those slim trendy women who wake up early, go for an early morning run, and return home to eat a tiny healthy breakfast. Probably something with kale or spinach. When you have BPD you can find yourself inventing different versions of yourself to suit your current needs. I was quiet, slim and timid at one job at a busy insurance company, I was the overweight professional woman in the trendy work clothes in another job, and now I find myself needing to be the active, energetic woman that goes for runs for the fun of it, and eats lots of salad. It’s hard to find yourself under the BPD sometimes.
Even outside of jobs my persona adapts to my needs; I can be the busy homemaker who bakes muffins and cleans every crack of the house, or the depressed woman that has given up on life and neglects her personal hygiene and lets the house become squalid. In social situations I am often the loud mouthed promiscuous drunk that flirts with women in front of Fiance and instigates a threesome, or the overly funny and cheeky ‘mate’ who cracks lewd jokes to the guys.
Some of the only times that I feel like I’m me is when I come out of the bath, and I’m wrapped up in one of my red towels. No make up, no clothing to define me, and nothing to show my identity. I’ll wallow in my bath towel for a little while, write on my blog, and listen to music. I feel at peace in these moments. My main goal for my recovery is to find out who I am under the BPD. I’ve made a mind map full of the characteristics that I’m sure are mine, and no the BPD’s. There isn’t much right now, but I’ll continue to add to it while I recover. I hope that in time I can figure out who I am.
